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Posted in: Custody
Chapter 1
“My Story, Raw and Real”
This is not my weekend to have the children with me. I’ve been a divorced, single mother for more than 3 years now, one of those years without full custody of my children. I was sitting and drinking coffee with my Heavenly Husband, or just my Husband, asking Him, "Where do I start" and "How do I help women going through custody battles and are facing losing custody of their children?" And He told me to start at the beginning and to tell my story, raw and real. So let me obey and begin my story….
It started almost two years ago. My children went to visit their dad, Kevin, and the OW for the weekend like they always did. At that stage, Kevin and the OW were living together with her two children. Her daughter is a bit older than my daughter and her son is in between my daughter and son.
Like other Sundays, Kevin brought the children back that afternoon. Normally he would come in, hang around a bit and drink coffee before he left. But that specific day, he came in, didn’t want anything to drink and just said we needed to talk. I just knew something bad was about to happen because I saw the "hate wall" up again that wasn’t there for a long time. And then he started to talk; I cannot even remember everything he said because I think I went into shock… I think I lost consciousness (while still standing upright). I just remember hearing that he couldn’t afford to pay everything he offered in the divorce settlement anymore and that it would be better for the children to go and stay with them…I cannot afford to look after the children and that I should go and live with my brother 100km away...and that the children WANTED to go and stay with them and loves him more and are happier over there.
But before I continue, let me first talk about the divorce and the original custody agreement. Kevin filed for divorce, and I had to go and pick up the documents at a lawyer’s office in my town. I quickly looked over the documents and saw that it was the normal custody set-up; kids would stay with me, and he gets them every second weekend, and school holidays would be divided between us with the normal birthday and Christmas arrangements. Then there was a list of things he offered to pay. I didn’t have a lawyer and we never discussed custody issues or anything else; everything that was in the settlement document was what he offered. I signed and Kevin came to pick up the documents and that was it, no arguing about custody or demands or anything. Although he offered to pay a lot of things, I knew it wasn’t enough to provide or pay for everything, but my Husband provided in miraculous ways. No, we didn’t live in luxury, but we had what we needed.
One thing I do remember clearly during the divorce was that Kevin promised that he would never take the children away from me, that I am a good mother and there was no reason for him to take the children away. I can’t even remember why he said it, but it is something that stuck with me, and I guess that is why I was so shocked when he came to talk to me that Sunday afternoon.
During the separation and after the divorce, I never kept Kevin away from the children. While he still stayed in the same town as us, he always stopped here after work, drank coffee and ate something if there was extra food, I knew he was here for the children and tried to stay out of their way, but sometimes I was not so sure because he followed me everywhere making small talk, but that is beside the point, he always knew he was welcome to visit the kids or take them an extra weekend, what was stated in the settlement was not what I followed. I knew my children missed their dad and for their sake, I was very lenient with regard to Kevin seeing his children. I didn’t want to make it more difficult for the children than what it already was. Seeing them crying at night or jumping up when they heard the gate to see if it was their daddy just broke my heart into a million pieces.
Just before the divorce, I already found RMI, read the Restore Your Marriage book, did Courses 1 and 2 and was busy with a C3 (cord of three), and that is where I encountered the Facing Divorce course. I think, like all the other ladies that come to this ministry desperate and broken, I did not want to think about divorce, but even if Kevin did see changes in me, it soon became my reality because he said it was “too little, too late.” And therefore, I started reading the Facing Divorce book, and what I read made an impression on me and sank straight down to my heart. It helped me to face the divorce and get through it with my Mighty Counsellor, who fought for me and gave me the strength to go through it without fighting.
But let’s get back to that Sunday afternoon.
To be continued…
Please go to Facing Divorce Course (Facing Divorce Course – HopeAtLast.com) for more information
Chapter 2
“Blaming Me for not Fighting for My Children”
I also have to boast about my weakness by sharing my mistakes so others can learn from it...
So back to that Sunday….
As I was standing there, listening to what Kevin had to say and still in a daze, an old feeling came back to me. I lost it and I wanted to fight because now he was “threatening” my children, how could he even think about taking my children away and giving them to the OW which I had to deal with for 5 years of our marriage? How could he? I completely lost it—everything I learned through the courses, everything just flew out the window, I am sad to admit. I am not proud of myself and how I handled it at that moment, but I was so incredibly shocked and it came out of nowhere; there was no previous mention of this, no indication that this would happen.
Kevin left fuming and I just fell apart, reality sank in and I realized that he was very serious, his mind was made up and no amount of pleading or fighting would change anything. The next couple of days, I continued doing everything wrong. I went to my aunt (my godmother) and told her about Kevin’s plans, and I also my other aunt. They told me I must fight this, and I cannot allow Kevin to take the children to live with him and the OW. They even gave me an envelope with money for me to go and see a very fierce lawyer they had heard about and the appointment was made.
But then my Husband stepped in and He started to work in my heart, He gave me the desire to translate the Facing Divorce Again book (I think because everything sinks in so deep when you translate) and He reminded me of one verse I previously read in the Facing Divorce Book: “Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.” I just fell to the floor realizing how miserably I failed, not just myself and my children, but I failed Him. I was walking on this journey with Him, and with the first big opposition coming my way, I failed. But luckily, His Grace is sufficient for us and He is there, ready to pick us up, take our hand and continue walking with us, leading and guiding us.
Then He reminded me of the appointment as if to ask: “So what about the appointment?” I told Him that I don’t know, I do not want to be disobedient to my aunts, but even more, I did not want to continue in my disobedience to HIM. So I started to pray for 3 days before the appointment, asking Him to deliver me without being disobedient to anybody. On the day of the appointment, and as the hour came closer, I just kept on talking to Him. When the time came to leave to go to the lawyer’s office, nothing happened to indicate that I shouldn’t go, but my hope was in Him and I trusted that He would show me His will. As I drove, I just kept on talking to Him. I reached the offices and there was nobody, not even a single car outside in the parking area. The appointment was for just after working hours, but there was no sign of life; the gates were closed and I just sat there in my car, asking my Husband now what? He just said: “You can leave now. It’s over.”
I drove back, and went to my aunt to fetch the kids and to give the money back, I told her what happened, and I told her I can’t do this, I told her I prayed about it and He made sure the appointment didn’t happen, so that is not His will or His way. She said some things but I didn’t really listen, I know she loves my children, and she loves me, we were always close, since I was a little girl, she is my other mother, and my children are her grandchildren and she is concerned about them because she loves them to bits. It is so true, the more we talk, the more we continue to get worldly advice from people who love us and care about us and mean well.
Until today this whole situation affected my relationship with my aunt (my godmother), we still visit each other and she is always friendly and helpful, but from the things she says, I know she blames me for not fighting for my children. But I trust that He will restore all relationships at the appointed time and He will use this whole situation for His glory for all to see. And He is fighting for me and for my children, I only need to be still.
I’ve learned some very important lessons from how I handled this situation, and things I started to apply more zealously from then on, and that is to win without a word, to always have a gentle and quiet spirit, agree enthusiastically, take everything to your Husband and let Him handle it or guide you in what to say if you HAVE to say something.
So now I had to walk out the rest of this trail with Him and, in the end, lay down my will for His.
To be continued…
Chapter 3
“Can't You Get a Rich Husband?”
I just have to quickly interject something here before I continue:
After the initial conversation that Sunday, the hate walls between me and Kevin were bigger than ever before. After the divorce and after their first holiday together, Kevin told me that his eyes opened a bit to the reality of having the four children together. After that time, we became friends again and we did things together with the children as a family and spent a lot of time together. When the kids were with him, he would invite me over for dinner. And if the kids were with me, he would be here just visiting until he had to go to sleep for work the next day. But I knew the pull towards the OW was still strong and he still went to visit her. But at the same time, he also accused me of having somebody else, he said he could see it in my face (well, I did have SOMEBODY else, a Heavenly Husband, but even if I did try to explain, I don’t think he understood).
Then suddenly, he decided to move away, and he moved in with the OW and her children. We still got along fine when he picked up or dropped off the children, and I left him alone to live his life and to go after the happiness he wanted. But not being close to his children affected him a lot and it also affected the children because, living far away, he couldn’t pop in after work to tuck them in and he really became a weekend dad.
But I knew and still know it today, maybe because my Husband reminded me about it; money wasn’t the only reason he started the custody issue, there was a couple of months after the worst lockdowns ended that he worked less and got less pay, but it was only a few months after everything settled down they started to live a high life with a big house, fancy cars, a caravan and private schools.
What he also told me after that first holiday was that he can’t have her children stay with him at the expense of his own children, see them most of the time, but his own children he only sees over weekends. So deep in my heart I know that was the biggest reason for the custody case, but it is something I just gave to my Husband and I left it there.
Back to the custody “battle”:
So the next thing that happened was that me and Kevin had gone to his lawyer with a mediator because the original settlement had to be changed.
The mediator was a small, young woman and she said she prayed about this case before she went there. I just said thank you and that I also prayed.
That was another day I cannot clearly remember, I just remember sitting around that table and I saw them with papers, payslips and calculators, trying to see how they can get Kevin’s budget to work out, and just to prove to themselves and to me that he can’t afford them living with me anymore.
There were two things I remember very clearly from that meeting; his lawyer turned to me and asked me two things:
- “Have you ever met the OW, do you know how nice she is?” (she was her divorce lawyer and Kevin used her for our divorce as well)
- “Can’t you get a rich husband that can look after you so that you can keep the kids?”
I couldn’t even answer; I was just to stunned that she would ask something like that. At some point, his lawyer suggested that we take the children to get a “Voice of the child” to find out where they want to stay and what they want to do.
Kevin agreed, but because he works during the day, I had to make the appointments and take them. It was the last thing I wanted to do because I do not believe in psychiatrists at all due to my own experiences I had after my mother passed away.
But I just talked to my Husband and told Him how I feel about this, but that I know I must be obedient to what was asked of me and that I know He will be with them throughout.
So, the first appointment was made, and I took them. Her consulting room was at a church and when they went in for the first session, I saw a small hill on the church grounds with three crosses and in that moment, I just felt drawn there. I just stood there and looked at the cross and I talked to my Father, because, at that moment, I needed a Father. I was broken, I felt lost with the whole situation and the whole process, bringing my kids to this place and the possibility of losing full custody over my children, moving 100km away and just seeing them every second weekend.
There at the foot of the cross, my heart truly broke, and I could understand how some women can just take their children and flee, do crazy things or even commit suicide when they lose custody. Up until that point, I was just walking and operating in a daze, it was just my Heavenly Husband that was keeping me upright and functioning. But there at the foot of the cross, He lifted the daze and He started to talk to me, and He assured me that everything will be okay and that this is all part of His plan, and He would be with me each and every step of the way.
For more on Counselling and Psychology, please read Course 2, Day 25: Counselling and Psychology on HopeAtLast.com
After the first appointment at the psychiatrist to get the “voice of a child,” the psychiatrist wanted to talk to me about her findings. She basically told me that the children want to stay with both of us but that there are some things she doesn't feel comfortable with and that she would like to see them one more time before she wrote her final report. She also said that she would call Kevin to share her findings with him and talk to him about another appointment because she needed consent from both of us. So I said I would give consent if that is what Kevin wants.
I didn’t know this, but she also told me that she spoke to Kevin before the first appointment to find out what his reasons were for wanting to take the children away. She also wanted to assure him that she is not on my side in this case, or on his, she is only concerned about the children and what is best for them. She said that Kevin was afraid that I would say things that would affect her final report because I was there with the children. But I never did, and I didn’t need to—I had my Mighty Counsellor who knew my feelings and concerns. And during these sessions, the parents do not go in with the children, as they go in one at a time, so there is no outside influence on what they share.
The psychiatrist did ask me how I felt about this and what I think would be the best for the children, and I said that if staying with Kevin is in their best interest, then I will let them go. But I kept my true feelings and my prayers to myself, I only poured my heart out to my Heavenly Husband because He was the only one who could really work in this situation, not the psychiatrist or anybody else.
At this point, I truly embraced "win without a word" and having a "gentle and quiet spirit." For a period of time, I received a lot of bad emails and criticism from Kevin. But because I started to apply these principles, the emails from Kevin stopped. I also began to apply to "being agreeable" and began to embrace every insult and just agreed. It was a difficult time for me, but I have learned that keeping quiet, being agreeable, and being gentle and quiet, diffuses bad situations and keeps you in perfect peace.
During this time, the children asked me some questions regarding the divorce. Kevin talked to them when he filed for the divorce, so I don’t really know what he told them, I never asked. I did not say anything bad about Kevin or the other woman and just told them that I made mistakes during our marriage. Until today I have never told them anything bad about their father or tried to ruin their relationship with him. My Husband really worked in my heart regarding this, and for their sake, I knew it would be wrong.
After spending some time with the OW, my children came to me at one point and told me that I needed to be a better mother and be more fun. The OW played with them, and I just did homework and all the “boring” stuff with them. This really broke my heart, but my Husband reminded me that I am their mother and there is a huge difference.
During the whole process, I could see that the children were very conflicted; they wanted to go to this new school because they were told how great it is, they wanted to stay with their dad, but they were also worried about where I would stay and if I would be okay, and if they would still see me. So, if I did say anything to the children, I just assured them that I would be okay, I would still see them, and whatever they want to do would be fine, but that I will always love them, I will always be here for them and that I will always be their mother, no matter what happens.
Kevin agreed to a second appointment, which was made for the following week, so I took them, and by this time, I had more peace. I was no longer in the totally broken state that I was in during the first appointment. This time, while they were busy, I went to the cross again, but for a different reason, I went there just to be in the presence of my Husband and talk to Him. The only reason I was able to get to this point was by really grabbing on to Him and to surrender, giving everything to Him, and trusting in His plan.
Afterward, she spoke to me again, and said that she wants to make an appointment with Kevin and me to discuss the situation and her findings. I really did not want to do this, but once again, I had to be agreeable, and the appointment was made for the following Friday afternoon.
Before this final appointment, I really had to seek God to help me to attend this appointment with Kevin. I really needed Him to help me and guide me through it because, in my own flesh, I was not able to do it. I was afraid of sitting there and listening to what Kevin had to say...But perfect love cast out all fear, and during the time leading up to that final appointment, He filled me with His perfect love.
Chapter 4
“I needed to be a better mother”
After the first appointment at the psychiatrist to get the “voice of a child,” the psychiatrist wanted to talk to me about her findings. She basically told me that the children want to stay with both of us but that there are some things she doesn't feel comfortable with and that she would like to see them one more time before she wrote her final report. She also said that she would call Kevin to share her findings with him and talk to him about another appointment because she needed consent from both of us. So I said I would give consent if that is what Kevin wants.
I didn’t know this, but she also told me that she spoke to Kevin before the first appointment to find out what his reasons were for wanting to take the children away. She also wanted to assure him that she is not on my side in this case, or on his, she is only concerned about the children and what is best for them. She said that Kevin was afraid that I would say things that would affect her final report because I was there with the children. But I never did, and I didn’t need to—I had my Mighty Counsellor who knew my feelings and concerns. And during these sessions, the parents do not go in with the children, as they go in one at a time, so there is no outside influence on what they share.
The psychiatrist did ask me how I felt about this and what I think would be the best for the children, and I said that if staying with Kevin is in their best interest, then I will let them go. But I kept my true feelings and my prayers to myself, I only poured my heart out to my Heavenly Husband because He was the only one who could really work in this situation, not the psychiatrist or anybody else.
At this point, I truly embraced "win without a word" and having a "gentle and quiet spirit." For a period of time, I received a lot of bad emails and criticism from Kevin. But because I started to apply these principles, the emails from Kevin stopped. I also began to apply to "being agreeable" and began to embrace every insult and just agreed. It was a difficult time for me, but I have learned that keeping quiet, being agreeable, and being gentle and quiet, diffuses bad situations and keeps you in perfect peace.
During this time, the children asked me some questions regarding the divorce. Kevin talked to them when he filed for the divorce, so I don’t really know what he told them, I never asked. I did not say anything bad about Kevin or the other woman and just told them that I made mistakes during our marriage. Until today I have never told them anything bad about their father or tried to ruin their relationship with him. My Husband really worked in my heart regarding this, and for their sake, I knew it would be wrong.
After spending some time with the OW, my children came to me at one point and told me that I needed to be a better mother and be more fun. The OW played with them, and I just did homework and all the “boring” stuff with them. This really broke my heart, but my Husband reminded me that I am their mother and there is a huge difference.
During the whole process, I could see that the children were very conflicted; they wanted to go to this new school because they were told how great it is, they wanted to stay with their dad, but they were also worried about where I would stay and if I would be okay, and if they would still see me. So, if I did say anything to the children, I just assured them that I would be okay, I would still see them, and whatever they want to do would be fine, but that I will always love them, I will always be here for them and that I will always be their mother, no matter what happens.
Kevin agreed to a second appointment, which was made for the following week, so I took them, and by this time, I had more peace. I was no longer in the totally broken state that I was in during the first appointment. This time, while they were busy, I went to the cross again, but for a different reason, I went there just to be in the presence of my Husband and talk to Him. The only reason I was able to get to this point was by really grabbing on to Him and to surrender, giving everything to Him, and trusting in His plan.
Afterward, she spoke to me again, and said that she wants to make an appointment with Kevin and me to discuss the situation and her findings. I really did not want to do this, but once again, I had to be agreeable, and the appointment was made for the following Friday afternoon.
Before this final appointment, I really had to seek God to help me to attend this appointment with Kevin. I really needed Him to help me and guide me through it because, in my own flesh, I was not able to do it. I was afraid of sitting there and listening to what Kevin had to say...But perfect love cast out all fear, and during the time leading up to that final appointment, He filled me with His perfect love.
Chapter 5
“Only He Can Turn Hearts”
During the week before the final appointment with the psychiatrist, the one me and Kevin had to attend, I really had to Seek God to keep me at peace. This was the appointment that would determine whether the kids would stay with me or go to stay with Kevin, but I knew Who already made the final decision. So I really had to depend on my Heavenly Husband to surrender my will for His and to help me through whatever was going to transpire from this appointment.
The day finally arrived and as I drove there, it was a 20min drive, I just spoke to my Heavenly Husband to help me, keep me in peace and to zip my lips no matter what was going to be said. I was very nervous and I needed Him to get me through it because I was not able to do it in my own strength.
When I got there Kevin was already there, and we had to wait for the psychiatrist. We greeted politely but there was nothing else to say, so there was an uncomfortable silence between us, but it was okay, I spoke to my Husband. She finally arrived and we went in….
I have to share that this was probably the second most uncomfortable situation I was in, the first being the appointment with Kevin’s lawyer. Why I say this is because of what the psychiatrist told Kevin while I was sitting there.
She told us the kids want to stay with both of us, then she turned to Kevin and she started telling him stuff like divorce is never the answer and the children wants us together. Then she told him about her dad that left her mom for another women and the repercussions. Kevin didn’t say a word while she spoke to him. It made me uncomfortable because I knew where his heart was and it was not with me, so nothing she said would make a difference, only He can work in the situation if it is His will to restore and only He can turn hearts.
Then she started to talk to us about the best plan going forward. Kevin wanted the kids to go and stay with him immediately and change schools, but at that stage it was the middle of the year and she told him that would not be in the best interest of the children, because it is not just changing schools, it is changing from an Afrikaans first language school to an English first language school. And then she suggested a week-week custody plan, but we were not staying in the same town, so she asked me if I would be prepared to move and I said yes if that is what is best for the children. But for the rest of it I just remained quiet and the conversation was more between Kevin and the psychiatrist, I felt like I was watching a movie.
Kevin said he would let the children stay with me to finish the school year, but he can’t afford to pay grocery money, he also agreed that a week-week custody plan would be the best for the children. But he was scared that I would not be able to buy food for the children during the time they stay with me until the end of that year, but I assured him that we will be provided for and the children will not go hungry. I didn’t know how, but I knew my Heavenly Husband would provide. Kevin agreed and that was the end of the appointment and we left. Nothing was really settled but there was a plan.
A few days later Kevin visited me and we had a discussion, he said as long as I can provide, the children must stay with me to finish the school year. He also said that he would continue to pay my rent and utilities even when the kids stay with him, until I can maybe one day afford to pay it myself. He also asked me if I want to move so we can follow a week-week custody plan, and I told him that I will pray about it, and if it is His will, He will make it possible for me to move and provide everything and that I am okay with everything he decided. Things between us at that stage was peaceful, there was no fighting, all because of the principles I applied. I agreed to everything he said and that was the end of the “custody battle”. As far as I know, what was decided that day, was only send to Kevin’s lawyer in a email, but it didn’t go to the court to make it official and the original divorce settlement is still in effect.
I just want to add that during the appointment with the psychiatrist, Kevin said nothing bad about me or to me. He just kept saying that I am a very good mother and that this has nothing to do with me being a bad mother. I kept quiet, and only answered questions directed at me briefly with minimal words.
So this was the start of the last couple of months until the children left to go and stay with their dad. This was a journey I had to go on which He gracefully provided so I can completely surrender and find rest in Him. But more about this journey in the next chapter.
Chapter 6
“He Prepared Me”
After the last appointment and the discussion me and Kevin had, the children would still stay with me for 5 months. Deep down I knew it was final, but I kept hoping and praying that my Heavenly Husband would step in and change Kevin’s mind to not continue with this.
This was a very difficult time for me, although I had peace during the whole process and knew I had to let go and lay down my will, reality hit me knowing that 5 months pass by so quickly and then I would have to let my children go. There were many sleepless nights during the first month or two, nights I just cried at His feet and told Him I cannot do this, I cannot let my children go and stay with the OW and give her most of my responsibilities as their mother. When I packed their lunches for school, my heart would break because I knew this task would no longer be mine, I would not be able to do their homework with them or take them to school anymore. The simple things we as mother’s do for our children would be taken away.
But I just cried at His feet, nobody knew what I went through during those first months, it was a journey I had to go on with only Him, because I knew I needed Him to help me to do this. I knew in my own strength I was not able to do this. I knew I had to grab on to Him for dear life otherwise I would fall apart. It was difficult, but it was necessary to go through this time with Him.
During this time, I continued to translate the Facing Divorce, Again, book in Afrikaans. I gained so much wisdom and understanding while I translated the book and it helped me through this difficult time.
Slowly but surely He pulled me out of my despair and then one day I was just filled with His peace that surpasses all understanding. He gave me the story of Abraham that had to sacrifice Isaac and how he was rewarded for his obedience regardless of how difficult it must have been. He gave me this story on several occasions and I knew I was called to a higher obedience. This finally gave me the ability to let go completely, surrender and be joyful regardless of what was to come.
I stopped crying over what I was about to lose, and He started to show me what I was about to gain. I started to see that I would have more time to spend with my Husband, more time for ministering and ministry work. A time to completely heal and a time to start living again. A time to be the fun mom my children wanted me to be when they compared me to the OW, and to use the time I would have with them to do things other than schoolwork, study and getting them to school and back. Time to just be with them. Yes there would be some homework and exams, but it was not the only thing I would be able to do with them anymore because Kevin had them 3 weekends per month so I only had them during school weeks and one weekend per month. So that didn’t leave me with a lot of time to do anything else than schoolwork, driving them up and down and getting them ready for school.
My Husband really started to turn my heart, He did not turn the situation around, but how I felt about it. He turned my attitude regarding this difficult situation around. He gave me total and utter peace and even joy. He gave me the strength to face the situation. And because of this the tension between me and Kevin also disappeared and we were able to have a peaceful co-parenting relationship, until today we are able to communicate peacefully about the children when we have to.
During these 5 months the subject of the children going to stay with Kevin was never brought up again, and deep down I kept on hoping it would go away. But it didn’t. Late November Kevin brought it up again….
Chapter 7
“The Final Hurdle”
One Sunday during November when Kevin brought the children back, he came in as usual and asked for coffee and went to sit on the coach. By this time the hate wall was down again and he always came in when he came to pick up the kids and brought them back, and most of the time he stayed for coffee. This time I could see he wanted to talk but it was not like the first Sunday when he came in to tell me about his custody plans. He looked kind of sad, but also serious. After I gave him his coffee, he said we need to sort out the final arrangements for the next year.
Although I prayed that this moment wouldn’t come, I had peace in my heart and was able to respond enthusiastically and I went to sit down on the other coach. He told me that he will send me the application forms for the new school and that I must please sign it as well and I agreed. Then he told me that he booked a two-week holiday for all of them during December, over Christmas and New Year, but that I can have them for the rest of the time until a few days before the school starts in January.
Not having my children with me over Christmas is very difficult and inside my heart broke, but with my Heavenly Husband holding my hand, I was again able to agree enthusiastically. Everything he told me, I just agreed enthusiastically, and Kevin left.
I went through the rest of November, helping my daughter to study for exams, attended my son’s price giving at school and invited Kevin to attend, which he did. Early December the school year ended and it was school holiday. Kevin send me the application letters which I immediately signed and send back to him, I offered to buy all their school supplies for the next year and to cover all their books, which he agreed to after he send me all the lists.
Before my children went on holiday with Kevin and the OW, I spend a lot of time with my children, taking them to some fun places and just being with them. I kept on assuring them that I love them and that I will always be there for them and that my door will always be open if they one day decide to rather move back. Kevin came to pick them up for their holiday and I was in total peace. During the two weeks they were on holiday I held on to my Husband and He helped me to just enjoy Christmas and New Year with my family. I had a wonderful time during these two weeks, just being in His company and spending time with Him and giving everything to Him, and He gave me the following verse before the start of the new year:
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
This verse really gave me so much peace, knowing that whatever this new season brings, He is busy working, no matter what the situation looks like through our human eyes.
Kevin also kept on mentioning that I must move to their town so we can follow a one-week, one-week schedule, but I kept assuring him that I am waiting for my Heavenly Husband to make it possible for me to move, and that I will be waiting on His timing and will. Kevin understood and left it there.
After Kevin brought them back after their holiday, I just had bit more than a week with my children before they left. I must admit this was a difficult week for me while I got their things ready for the new school year. I had peace regarding the situation, but I was still sad.
So the day finally arrived that Kevin came to pick them up, and I asked my Heavenly Husband to prepare me for this day, to not cry in front of my children and to just be enthusiastic until they left. And He helped me, He got me through this moment greeting them enthusiastically and telling them that I will see them very soon, the first weekend after the school started.
After they left I just cried at my Heavenly Husband’s feet, knowing that He had a plan in all of this, trusting Him with this new journey and knowing that He is with me always holding my hand. The first week was difficult, knowing the OW took them to school, packed their lunches and picked them up from school. It was also the first year I did not attend their first day at school, but Kevin did send me pictures. It was a big change for me to not have them with me during the week, I had peace with them visiting their dad and OW over weekends, but now I had to get used to it being the other way around, to become the weekend mom. But holding on to Him changed everything and it only took about two weeks to adjust to the new custody arrangements.
Only living a half hours drive from my children, allowed me to go and pick them up from school on a Friday, 3 weekends per month, and then have them stay with me until the Monday morning when I dropped them off at school again.
In my final chapter I will share more of the things I went through and learned throughout the first year that my children stayed with Kevin and the OW. I learned some very important lessons during the first year, but I got through the first year with peace and joy and my Heavenly Husband by my side!
Chapter 8
“What I’ve learned”
More than a year has passed since the kids went to stay with Kevin and the OW during the week. I have learned a lot during this year, but looking back I can clearly see His hand in my life. If it weren’t for my Heavenly Husband, I would not have made it through the first year. I can honesty say it was a good year, yes there were trails, but overall it was a good year.
I had a lot of time to just sit with my Husband and just be in His presence, reading the Bible or working through lessons. I had more time to take care of myself and go to the gym, clean my house and relax a little. Financially I was better off than the previous two years, I did not have millions, but I was able to pay everything without worries and buy what me and the children needed when they were with me, and I was able to take them out to fun places once a month.
My relationship with my children changed because I was able to spend quality time with them without rushing them to school and back, doing homework, cooking and getting them ready for the next day. Having them with me over weekends and school holidays, changed our relationship for good.
Everything I was afraid would happen, for example my daughter getting closer to the OW, didn’t happen. My daughter asked me to do her nails over the holidays, she asked me to do her make-up to see what she will look like, she comes to me with her problems and asks my advice. My son clings to me when he is with me, he is always close by my side.
And my Heavenly Husband answered one of my biggest prayers! At the beginning of the year when they left, I shared my biggest concern with my Husband, I told Him that my daughter is at the age where she would become a big girl, and if it was His will, to please let it happen when she was with me, but I will be okay if it doesn’t happen the way I want it. He led me to buy everything she would need, a pretty bag to put everything she would need in her school bag, supplies to take to her dad and to keep at my place, and I spoke to her about the changes that will happen in her body, just preparing her for this big event in a girl’s life. But my Husband answered my prayer and late last year it happened over a weekend they were with me!!!! I was able to guide her through everything and just be there for her! He is SOOO amazing and gave me the desires of my heart!
I learned to ask Him to reveal anything of concern to me, because I do not ask my children any questions about what happens at their dad’s place. I do not want to put my children on the spot or make them feel like they are spying for me, I am also really not interested in what happens over there, if there is something I must be concerned about regarding my children and that I should now, my Husband will reveal it to me. And over the last month or so, He revealed some concerning things, but it is things that happen at school and the peer pressure that children are under these days and bullying, but I am trusting Him to help me to guide them through this.
I learned to trust my Heavenly Husband for my children’s protection, even if the situation was different, I can’t protect my children. I am not always with them and my protection is no protection at all. He is always with them and as their Heavenly Father, who loves them more than I ever can, He is more that capable of protecting them. I must just stay on my knees and let their protection go into His mighty, ever present hands.
I learned to ask only my Husband’s guidance and He proofed to me that His guidance is the best there is! When my daughter struggled with mathematics, He showed me it was because of the change in first language schools. They were always in Afrikaans first language schools, with English as second language, but when they went to stay with Kevin, they changed to an English first language, Afrikaans second language school. He also provided a math tutor to help her, which is a family member who I never knew gave extra math classes!
I have learned to always ask my Husband first when Kevin ask me something. Kevin always asks me before school holidays how I would like to arrange the schedule. But I always ask my Husband first and He led me to always tell Kevin that I trust him to be fair with the schedule and that I will leave it in his hands to decide. And every time, except for one holiday (but my HH had better plans for us) Kevin’s schedule turned out exactly the way I discussed it with my Husband. Proofing that having a gentle and quiet spirit really does work, but it is not forced, it is my Husband guiding me and giving me the ability to have a gentle and quiet spirit.
I have learned that without the Lord as our Husband, without holding on to Him, we cannot get through any trail, and get through it with peace and joy. I have learned that if He is all we want, all we have and all we need, then we have everything we need to live, and not just survive, but to live the Abundant Life He died to give us!
I have learned how much He loves us, cares about us and He is concerned about us, He knows everything that is in our hearts and loves to fellowship with us. He loves to fight our battles for us, we just need to be still in His presence! This year I truly felt like I came home, to where I always needed to be, in His loving arms!
It is my hope and prayer that what I shared in my Novel, will help and encourage you to go through custody battles, or anything that comes against you, with Him as your Mighty Counsellor, with Him right by your side holding you, because if you face these trails with Him and His way, He will be faithful and turn it around for your good!
PART 2
"Things Are Busy Changing”
In the previous chapter I’ve shared what I’ve learned during the first year of my custody loss. Now after almost a year and a half, things are busy changing. As I shared previously, Kevin wanted me to move to their town so we can share a 50/50 custody plan. Since the beginning I told Kevin that I am trusting my Heavenly Husband and will wait for His appointed time. I trusted that if it is His will, there will be a townhouse available and everything will fall into place easily. I also trusted my Husband regarding home schooling; when the custody issue started, I mentioned it once, but Kevin didn’t want to hear anything about it, he was set on the private Christian School. But the Lord is busy turning everything around, even if I didn’t see anything happening for a long time, He was and still is working behind the scenes…
A month or two ago Kevin phoned me one morning telling me that we needed to talk, he told me that he wants me to move closer for the children’s sake, they do not like going to aftercare in the afternoons and they are not doing their homework and tasks, they are not taking it seriously. He told me that he will start looking for a place for me to stay in their town, but once again I told him that I am trusting my Husband and if it’s His will, He will make a way. Then Kevin started to talk about home schooling, he told me that he wishes he could find somebody to home school the children, that it is better to take the children out of the worldly influences, basically all the concerns I had and only took to my Heavenly Husband, he mentioned.
He mentioned that a lot of the children are only in that school because their parents can afford to have them there and not because they are Christian. I have heard things some of the children said and just the way they talk, and I got shivers down my spine, but I took it to my Husband and only took my concerns to Him, also using it as an opportunity to teach my children. Then there is also one boy that started bullying my daughter in front of her classmates, saying mean things, but I took it to Him and taught my daughter some principles to apply, like win without a word, to give a blessing instead and to talk to her Heavenly Father while he is hurling all these nasty comments at her. I reminded her that her Heavenly Father is with her always and that she must leave it in His hands to fight for her. In cases like this it is so easy to act in the flesh and go to the school and talk to the teachers or even the boy, and previously I would have done it, but now I am trusting my Heavenly Husband and my children’s Heavenly Father with this.
While Kevin was talking about home schooling, my Husband led me to say that I am a Worker @ Home and I can home school my children, he immediately agreed and said he will look for a place for me to stay with space to convert into a “classroom.” He also said he will fully support me in this!
After this conversation I left it there and did not talk to Kevin about moving or home schooling again. But he phoned me during the week before the Easter weekend to make arrangements for me to take the children back for the long weekend, they were with me because of the Easter school holiday and they went camping with Kevin for the long weekend, so I had to take them back. He said I must meet him at a townhouse so I can have a look at it to see if I will be willing to stay there.
The townhouse is bigger than the one I currently stay in, and I told Kevin if they are prepared to wait until the end of May, because I have to give notice where I currently stay, then I will move there. I didn’t hear anything for more than a week and was okay with it, since I left it in my Husband’s hands and will follow if He opens the way. Then about four days ago, Kevin phoned me and told me everything is arranged, the contract is signed for end of May, I must just give notice, he will arrange the move and enough boxes for me to start packing. I was totally shocked, it’s just falling into place, but then again, I did ask my Husband to make it light and easy if it is His will.
To be quite honest, deep down I do not want to move to that town, but I have to lay down my will. Where I am now I am at peace, in a comfort zone with my Heavenly Husband, and it is comforting to know my family all stay close by, not that I ask them for help unless He leads me to. But because everything is falling into place so easily, I know my Heavenly Husband wants to take me out of my comfort zone and take me somewhere I am going to be completely uncomfortable (my marriage crisis happened there so there is a lot of bad memories), but I know He will help me and be with me throughout this and again, I know this is all part of His plan and me and my Heavenly Husband will create new beautiful memories there.
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Posted in: Custody
Are you an Aspiring Author?
Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me.” I68
“This is wonderful in every way imaginable Adina. I’d love the opportunity to proofread for you if you’re interested. The process we established for your other RJN was both easy and light for me.
I’d also wanted to recommend that this becomes Part 2 and might have a single page dividing it. I’m on my phone but added something to address this at the bottom of https://narrowroadpublishinghouse.com/wtt/ that I’ll come back later to work on.
Adina, if you move this chapter onto NRP Oh, also move this comment there as well since this isn’t really the place to discuss writing as an author, but just to get excited about what you wrote, and about this particular chapter. 🥳🥰”
https://loveatlast.org/my-custody-loss-update-and-new-chapter-%f0%9f%92%97/#comment-1468
Here is the document I created, He led me to just made a copy of my RJN and share it with same people so I believe you’ll have access 🤣
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FTKhQSIK5OwDv1DGDA7AvXBH65ACNMcGvGE-8UlxhnU/edit?usp=sharing
I will only say that every day I can verify that what his word says is real, “His plans are for peace and good” when we are in the process, sometimes this is difficult for us to accept and believe, but if we leave everything in his hands the work, thanks for sharing Adina🤗
My children are older, and I did not have these problems… but I would like to soon be able to write about my restoration journey like you, hugs.
Solo diré que cada día puedo comprobar que lo que dice su palabra es real, “Sus planes son de paz y de bien” cuando estamos en el proceso a veces esto se nos hace difícil aceptarlo y creerlo, pero si lo dejamos todo en sus manos el obra, gracias por compartir Adina🤗
Mis hijos son mayores, y no tuve estos problemas.. pero sí me gustaría pronto poder escribir mi viaje de restauración como ustedes, abrazos.
Obrigada Nelly, sim, estar no meio da tempestade nunca é fácil. Quando tudo isso começou, quase me quebrou. Mas então Ele lentamente começou a me dar uma paz que excede todo entendimento.
Também estou ocupado com meu RJN “My Journey Home” que você pode ler aqui: https://narrowroadpublishinghouse.com/rjn-adina-jacobs/
Thank you Nelly, yes being in the middle of the storm is never easy. When this all started it almost broke me. But then He slowly began to give me peace that surpasses all understanding.
I am also busy with my RJN “My Journey Home” that you can read here: https://narrowroadpublishinghouse.com/rjn-adina-jacobs/
WOW Adina que Novela y Testimonio tan increíble, realmente mi corazón se estremeció tan solo de pensar estar en tú lugar, nuestros hijos son un punto de quiebre en nuestra vida y solo con la ayuda de Nuestro Esposo Celestial pudiste dejar ir y entregarlos en el altar como lo hizo Abraham, algo muy díficil, realmente difícil como madre lo sé, pero todo es para nuestro bien y para alimentar a mujeres que lo necesitan, y para Gloria de nuestro Esposo.
WOW Adina, what an incredible Novel and Testimony, my heart really shook just thinking about being in your place, our children are a breaking point in our life and only with the help of Our Heavenly Husband were you able to let go and hand them over to the altar like Abraham did, something very difficult, really difficult as a mother I know, but everything is for our good and to feed women who need it, and for the Glory of our Husband.
Thank you, my dear Esperanza. Although it was one of the most difficult things I went through, I had my Heavenly Husband was with me the whole time, assuring me that things will work out for good.
I guess it’s normal for a mother to worry about the damage that can be caused by something like this, but I know their healing is also in His hands, and He also have a plan for them because of what they went through.
My heart hurts for you as I read this. Thank you for sharing your testimony. I’m currently in a storm and my children are in the forefront. I love how you kept bringing everything to the Lord and then trusting and leaving it at that. Also how perfectly and light the move to the new townhouse and homeschooling went, whereas if you would have pushed it on your way it would have only caused division. Thank you again for writing and sharing. I have to remember that God is able to do more than I can imagine and not having my kids living with me won’t end in sure disaster like the enemy and my flesh tell me it will. he loves our children even more than we do and will use this for their good too.
Yes my dear Rasa, this lesson really helped me a lot: https://loveatlast.org/finding-the-abundant-life/chapter-12-your-best-protection/. Our Beloved Heavenly Husband loves our children more that we could ever do, therefore we can surrender them into their Heavenly Father’s hands.
Win without a word and gentle and quiet spirit became real to me during this trail, seeing the fruits of having these qualities. Having a HH does not mean we will not face trails but having Him causes us to go through our trails differently than the world, we can have peace and joy in the midst’s of our trails.
I’m so grateful that I read your testimony and I know when you say that you trust God with your children you mean it. he’s shown you time and time again he loves them. Praise God for the beautiful work He’s doing in your life and in your children 🖤🖤
Dear Adina,
What a valuable testimony, my heart broke when i read the first chapter and as i read how sad you were because you had failed HIM when you totally lost it… what can i say? It was so unexpected, i totally understand that you lost it… even though we know its not the best we can do, but most important, He understands what you were going through and He was there for you.
It is so lovely to read how he picked you up and made such a gentle and quiet spirit out of you… i am so impressed by what you went through… and more impressed by the outcome! You are homeschooling your children and managed to bring peace to your relationship with your eh.
Reading the fact that you did not want to move back to that town because of the pain you went through before at that place, i am sure it is His plan that you go there for a very specific reason and that He is taking you to another level of healing that will result in something beautiful.
I dont know where you are at now, but i truly pray for you that He finishes what He started in your family.
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”