Chapter 1

“An Emotional Wreck”

After seven years of marriage my life fell apart. My husband Kevin was cheating on me.

The breakdown of my marriage started when I was at work and got a call from my sister-in-law, Faith, a few days after our seven-year wedding anniversary. She said that Kevin was cheating on me and that she had waited to tell me until she was absolutely sure because she was compiling evidence against Kevin. She told me that Kevin was involved with a woman at his workplace but besides that—he was involved in a prior relationship with another woman. A woman he stayed with when he was out of town. This was the exact moment when everything, my marriage, and my whole life just fell apart. 

I felt total and complete disbelief. Immediately, I lost my appetite and could hardly function because of the shock and grief. Feeling shocked, my grief turned into feeling bitter, angry, hopeless, and helpless. So many things that baffled me started falling into place. Why Kevin constantly was on his phone? Why he would never allow me to see his phone? Why we argued? Why he never was at home on weekends? Why my daughter and I were alone so much of the time?

With evidence in hand, Faith and I planned to go to Kevin's work the very next day to confront him and the other woman. When we got there we managed to get them outside the bank where they worked as they were on their way back from buying breakfast. Confronting Kevin and the other woman backfired—another regrettable decision.

Of course, they were not interested in anything I had to say, I looked like the bitter, crazy woman that I was. I took the day off sick and went to Faith’s workplace because I could not face going to work. She organised breakfast for me but I just sat there in a corner feeling shocked and in disbelief. Kevin wanted nothing to do with me and now that he knew that I knew, he started earnestly making his plans to move out and divorce me.

I could not eat, I could not sleep. I desperately searched for marriage help online. I started talking to work colleagues and friends about my situation. I could not do the things I did before. I could not watch the TV series that I enjoyed. I had no peace and I was in a constant state of disbelieving grief.  

I will never forget those feelings of desperation I felt. We stayed on a farm with my parents-in-law at the time, but we had plans to move into our own place. I remember walking through sugar plantation fields crying out to God asking Him why? Why? Why was this happening to me? Why was my life and why was my marriage such a mess? I did not JUST get married, I had prayed and asked God if Kevin was the right guy for me. I had told God to stop the wedding preparations if this was not the guy He had in mind for me.

My former husband's grandparents were from India and sent to South Africa to work as slaves on the sugar plantation fields. They were some of the very first converts to Christianity of a missionary couple from the States. My mum-in-laws dad became a pastor who planted a church for the Indian people and my dad-in-law became a pastor too, so being a pastor's wife, I tried finding solace and comfort from my mother-in-law. I assumed she could provide me with some encouragement but ended up feeling worse because she could offer me none. Looking back I now realise that she was in her own world of suffering looking after my dad-in-law with no form of income…

My marriage was a mess, but there was stuff happening during that period for the whole family that was also a mess. My dad-in-law was in very poor health, a diabetic and he just had a triple heart bypass. We were helping to keep a roof over their heads by moving into a big farmhouse together with Faith and my brother-in-law Andrew because my parents-in-law had no form of income and could not pastor a church anymore due to my dad-in-laws illness. But I hated the way we were living together, I hated living together with them.

Kevin and I, Faith and Andrew, together were all in a financial battle to help the family. The jobs we each had were not providing enough for the whole family to live together. We even struggled to keep food on the table and to pay the monthly rent together. Nobody in our family had anything to give, not even a word of encouragement. Not only was my marriage and world falling apart but our family too.

Later I heard how even more desperate my parents-in-law's situation became, they were thinking of living out of their car before deciding to live together with Faith and Andrew.  They went through a lot during those years when Kevin and I were going through our marriage mess. My parents-in-law prayed and fasted for Kevin and me despite everything they were going through, they were worried and concerned about us. 

I made the decision to not tell my own family, they stayed eight hours away.  Being so far, I knew, meant they would perhaps tell me to come home and would look for a new ‘man’ for me. I toyed with thoughts of moving back home but I wanted my marriage to be restored and I still desperately loved Kevin so I stayed. I found a place for my daughter and me at Kevin’s request and moved out. I felt like God was telling me to let Kevin go for a time, that he would soon find that the grass was not greener on the other side as they say. But at the same time, I could not let go of Kevin. 

Instead, I would go past  Kevin’s work and see him and the other woman, tormenting myself. Kevin was living his life and I was falling apart, I was an emotional wreck. The other woman started putting pictures of them on Facebook which I started hearing about, I could not see the pictures, which added to my desperation. Other people could see these pictures but I was blocked from seeing them.

Months and months went by when I found the Standers Ministry but what I was learning was not helping, things were not changing for the better. One day it just so happened that I was ordering a takeaway and in walked Kevin, the other woman with her mom and sister. While we were waiting I thought to myself that this must be God giving me the opportunity so I went up to the other woman's mom and told her that this was not God’s plan for her daughter, that it was not God’s plan to get involved with another man’s wife. She just listened but said nothing. They got their takeaway and left. On their way out Kevin stopped to tell me that I needed to move on with my life and that I had no right to say what I said. He was extremely angry at me. 

Watching them leave I felt so alone in utter and complete despair…

But that was not the end of the hurt and pain. Less than 6 months later my divorce was finalized and I became a single mom. 

And then, a few months later it did not work out with Kevin and the other woman and he came home. So what was I supposed to do now that my former husband Kevin had come home but we were divorced?  We were still having problems and he still wanted to be intimate. I had so many questions. Was it right to be intimate now that we were divorced?  

Then I found myself living through the nightmare once again. I found pictures on Kevin’s cell phone of a brand new “other woman”, this was other woman number three!! I could not take it any more! I was in disbelief, couldn't believe I was going through all this again! There was even a picture suggestive of them getting married. The “happy couple”. That night we got into our first and only physical fight, I hit Kevin and he hit me back.

Just to prove to Kevin that he has not changed I got a really clever genius idea!! I swapped our memory cards!! Kevin woke up and found me fiddling with his phone, he pushed me away and grabbed his phone but I had already swapped my memory card for his without him knowing.

I forwarded the pictures from his phone back to Kevin to show him he could stop lying. I was so angry, disgusted, and hurt! I was tired, SO tired of being cheated on, and tired of trying. I had had enough! I phoned the other woman, I told her that Kevin and I were trying to reconcile and warned her. Another regrettable decision I would later learn about. 

I ended up moving again, this time I moved out and in with a friend.